Icon View Thread

The following is the text of the current message along with any replies.
Messages 1 to 10 of 15 total
Thread Sent to my wife by a pen pal - do not be eating or driniking when you read
Thu, Jan 28 2010 4:26 AMPermanent Link

Roy Lambert

NLH Associates

Team Elevate Team Elevate

Natal Curry Contest.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They

actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major

portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an

inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry

Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all

the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli

an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw them



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that

I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

he is cursing uncontrollably).



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Roy Lambert

Thu, Jan 28 2010 7:04 AMPermanent Link

Tim Young [Elevate Software]

Elevate Software, Inc.

Avatar

Email timyoung@elevatesoft.com

Roy,

<< Note: Please take time to read this slowly.>>

Good stuff, thanks. Smiley

For the record, I like the hot stuff, especially Thai with the heat.

--
Tim Young
Elevate Software
www.elevatesoft.com

Thu, Jan 28 2010 7:37 AMPermanent Link

Roy Lambert

NLH Associates

Team Elevate Team Elevate

Tim


>For the record, I like the hot stuff, especially Thai with the heat.

Ditto, but my nearest Thai restaurant is c 250 miles off Frown

Roy Lambert
Thu, Jan 28 2010 7:41 AMPermanent Link

Tim Young [Elevate Software]

Elevate Software, Inc.

Avatar

Email timyoung@elevatesoft.com

Roy,

<< Ditto, but my nearest Thai restaurant is c 250 miles off Frown>>

Ouch.   Hear that Steve ?  Sounds like you need to ship Roy some of that
great Thai green curry that you've been talking about. Smiley

--
Tim Young
Elevate Software
www.elevatesoft.com

Thu, Jan 28 2010 4:15 PMPermanent Link

Steve Gill
I love chilli.  I find most "hot" foods are rather mild.  I think my tongue was burnt out when I was a teenager by Thai friends who kept feeding me really
hot food.  I remember eating some Burmese food that was so hot I thought it was my last meal.

We sometimes use a Habanero paste when cooking, but the kids (now adults) complain about the heat.  We have a Bhut Jolokia (supposedly the world's
hottest chilli) plant growing in our kitchen and are looking forward to when it's ready to harvest.  

This will be a challenge though as I tried it once at a chilli stall.  They had a taste test where they dipped a toothpick into a Bhut Jolokia paste.  I have
never tasted anything so hot!  My ears started ringing, my eyes watered, my throat was on fire, and I couldn't breathe.  If I could have gotten legs to
move I would have tried to find the nearest paramedic.

Regards,

Steve
Thu, Jan 28 2010 7:56 PMPermanent Link

Tim Young [Elevate Software]

Elevate Software, Inc.

Avatar

Email timyoung@elevatesoft.com

Steve,

<< This will be a challenge though as I tried it once at a chilli stall.
They had a taste test where they dipped a toothpick into a Bhut Jolokia
paste.  I have never tasted anything so hot!  My ears started ringing, my
eyes watered, my throat was on fire, and I couldn't breathe.  If I could
have gotten legs to move I would have tried to find the nearest paramedic.
>>

It's a 3-alarm fire...in my mouth !!! Smiley

If you ever get a chance, and can get the Travel Channel (or something like
it) in Australia, you should check out the show Man vs. Food:

http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_V_Food

That guy is always trying to eat really hot stuff.   He also eats a lot of
really big gross-looking stuff, and frankly, I'm not sure how the guy
doesn't have a massive coronary just walking down the street. Smiley

--
Tim Young
Elevate Software
www.elevatesoft.com

Fri, Jan 29 2010 3:23 PMPermanent Link

"Ian Branch"
Excellent!

Don't know about you guys but I measure my Curries by their effect....

1.   Nose blower - Generally safe for kids and general family.
2.   Eye waterer - Use with discretion
3.   Sweaty forehead - Adults Only
4.   Sweaty body - Select clientel
5.   Firey - 'Gentlemen' only - normally during a drinking session.
6.   Medic - Somebody double dosed a Fiery - Normally appears towards the end of
a drinking session - No 'Gentlemen' left.
7.   Undertaker - Self explanatory - Nobody left to care.

   She-who-must-be-obeyed generally produces a nose blower when we have
family/guests.  An eye waterer when its just known enjoyers.  Sweaty forehaed
when I have some particular friends around.  Sweaty body when I am in trouble
(she strangely doesn't participate).  Higher ratings to suit the occasion.

Ian
Sat, Jan 30 2010 7:28 AMPermanent Link

Tim Young [Elevate Software]

Elevate Software, Inc.

Avatar

Email timyoung@elevatesoft.com

Ian,

<< Don't know about you guys but I measure my Curries by their effect.... >>

Beautiful, that one's getting printed out. Smiley

<< 5. Firey - 'Gentlemen' only - normally during a drinking session.
6. Medic - Somebody double dosed a Fiery - Normally appears towards the end
of a drinking session - No 'Gentlemen' left. >>

This sounds like poker night with a few guys in our neighborhood. Smiley

--
Tim Young
Elevate Software
www.elevatesoft.com

Wed, Feb 3 2010 6:38 PMPermanent Link

Steve Forbes

Team Elevate Team Elevate

Hi Tim,

Duly noted! Wink

I normally put about 6 - 8 birdseye chillies (also called mouse dropping
chillies in some places) in (on top of the green/red curry paste), and
that's just about right.

Unfortunately, if I shipped it to Roy, it would be green for all the wrong
reasons. Smile

Steve

"Tim Young [Elevate Software]" <timyoung@elevatesoft.com> wrote in message
news:AEA767B4-75C1-41D6-80C7-58EECBDF6620@news.elevatesoft.com...
> Roy,
>
> << Ditto, but my nearest Thai restaurant is c 250 miles off Frown>>
>
> Ouch.   Hear that Steve ?  Sounds like you need to ship Roy some of that
> great Thai green curry that you've been talking about. Smiley
>
> --
> Tim Young
> Elevate Software
> www.elevatesoft.com
>

Wed, Feb 3 2010 10:13 PMPermanent Link

Steve Gill
Hi Tim,


> If you ever get a chance, and can get the Travel Channel (or something like
> it) in Australia, you should check out the show Man vs. Food:

> http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_V_Food

> That guy is always trying to eat really hot stuff.   He also eats a lot of
> really big gross-looking stuff, and frankly, I'm not sure how the guy
> doesn't have a massive coronary just walking down the street. Smiley

Ha ha. Just did a search on my Foxtel iPhone app.  We get Man v Food on the Travel & Living channel so I've set it up to record some episodes.  Whoa, in
the next episode he apparently eats a 5 pound (2.3kg) Burrito.  Gotta see that! Smiley

Regards,

Steve
Page 1 of 2Next Page
Jump to Page:  1 2
Image